Reflections on play

Looking around the classroom during these last few weeks fills me with a complete sense of pride, wonder, and amazement for these incredible little beings. They've sailed through the year and will soon embark on new adventures.  It wasn't always smooth sailing, of course.  There were rocky times, there were tears and frustrations, but most of all, there was learning, growth, and happiness.

It's been a year of learning to trust in themselves and each other and how to be a member of a community. They've been allowed time to move, jump, dance, sing, and play.  We've learned important skills and concepts this year - in reading and writing, math, science, Spanish, and social studies - but inherent in all of this learning, has been holding sacred the time to play and explore our environment.  Giving the children the gift of play has been an invaluable learning experience. They've learned vital social and emotional skills that could not be learned anywhere else – how to get along with others, how to be empathic, nurturing, kind, strong, generous, how to deal with difficult people, how to be a part of something bigger than themselves, how to get their own needs met without upsetting the needs of others. Learning how to play is as important as anything that can come from play. We want them to know that life can be fun, that they have the ability to solve problems and communicate their needs.

Through play, children learn how to get along with people. Every opportunity to play with other children is a crash course in what works and what doesn’t. There is compromise and negotiation. They will learn the edge of their own boundaries, what feels right and what doesn’t, and how to respect the boundaries of others. Sometimes there is a need for assertiveness. Sometimes there is need to walk away. Even as adults it can be hard to know which way to go.

I feel grateful and honored to have spent the past year with this incredible group of children. Just as I have taught them, they too, have taught me - how to laugh easily, how to be silly, how to see the wonder and joy in simple things.  Our children have such a limited time to explore, experiment, grow and be enriched in the way that only free play can do. It isn’t long before responsibilities and schedules set in. But if, as the adults in their lives, we can foster a love of play, not just because "that’s what kids do", but because of its inherent importance, we will be giving them something that will serve them well in relationships, in work and in life.

Enjoy the now

It seems that as adults we're constantly preparing children for what's to come.  Early on we prepare our three and four year-olds for kindergarten by teaching the alphabet and how to write their name. We worry that we should always be looking ahead, making sure our child is ready for that next step - whether it be kindergarten, second grade, or middle school.

The problem with looking forward, always in preparation mode, is the loss of the here and now.  Children will never get those Pre-K years back or their time in first, second, third, or fourth grade.  They'll only be five once.

What our children really need from us, the adults in their lives, is trust.  They need us to trust that they are exactly where they should be at any given moment.  That they possess great intelligence and the innate curiosity to learn about the world.  That they'll reach those milestones.  They will learn to read, tie their shoes, ride a bike, write their name.  Trust, whenever and wherever it’s possible, reasonable and age-appropriate, is one of the most profound gifts we can give our children. Through trust we offer children opportunities to fully own their achievements and internalize the validating message: “I did it!”

Trust is also a gift for adults, because it means we don’t waste our energy trying to urge development forward or “fix” issues that are usually best resolved by providing children with a nurturing environment and leaving the rest up to them. Attempting to force development before a child is ready sets us both up for unnecessary frustration and failure. We all know the expression, “you can lead a horse to water, but…”

So let's all appreciate this small window of time in our child's life.  It is magical, filled with wonder, and ever so fleeting.

Fostering empathy

Empathy is one of the most important character traits to foster in our children.  Children with a sense of empathy can see a situation through eyes other than their own, helping them to gain another perspective. These children are aware of their own feelings and are also able to relate to common feelings.  They can imagine how others may feel in a given situation and respond in a way they imagine may be comforting to that person.

Research shows that people who are empathic tend to have better social interactions, academic performance and accomplishments later on in life than others. A strong sense of empathy can help children in so many ways - making and keeping friends, making smart decisions that are right for them without hurting others or seeking approval from peers - all crucial things when navigating the social waters of childhood, and later on during the teen years.

How do we foster this all important character trait?  Is teaching our children to say sorry necessarily enough?? Often times the first thing that comes to mind when developing empathy is the ubiquitous "I'm sorry."  For children, "sorry" can be a hazy concept to understand. Saying sorry doesn’t change whatever has happened and it doesn’t necessarily ease the pain.

In the classroom, instead of expecting a simple "I'm sorry," we utilize something more tangible and meaningful - it's called "Apology of Action."  This is a way for the offending child to actually do something for the child who is sad, hurt, or upset.  Whether it is drawing a picture, helping to fix a broken block tower, sitting next to him or her at lunch, or giving the friend a hug, children are given the opportunity to fix their mistake in a concrete way.  

Actively trying to put things right can help children to feel better in a couple of ways. The first is the effect of undoing some of the harm by making things right. The second effect is by showing the child that the person who hurt him or her is sincere and genuinely wants to make things better.  When it comes to apologies, children might know it’s the right thing to do, but they might also be completely lost about why. When they see someone hurt it can be difficult to understand how a little word can strip the pain and make things right. Children live in the here and now - they benefit from seeing how their immediate actions can actually help ease the pain of others.  Seeing the smile on a friend's face after giving a hug or delivering a thoughtful picture allows children to feel the strength in being kind, empathic and emotionally responsible.

Helping a friend fix her backpack

Another practice we adopt in the classroom is the role of "The Comforter," one of the classroom jobs.  The job of the comforter is to literally help comfort children when they're feeling sad or may have gotten hurt. This is taken very seriously.  If a friend is crying in the classroom, the other children rush to find the comforter. The comforter then promptly attends to the child in need, doing whatever is necessary to make the friend feel better.

Hugs are always welcome!

It's also helpful to adopt a "feelings vocabulary."  Identifying and labeling emotions helps children organize their emotional world. Early on, children master the basics such as happy and sad, but it is helpful to expand their understanding to feelings of disappointment, frustration, excitement, nervousness, fear and so on.  Once the child understands his own feelings, he can understand other people's feelings and cross-reference them when his actions affect someone else. For instance, if the child felt sad when a toy was taken away, later they have the language to recognize that another child may feel the same way if their toy is taken away. 

Being a kid is hard work – there’s so much do and on top of that they have to get savvy with some hazy concepts. Fortunately, childhood comes with plenty of opportunities for them to explore, experiment with, and discover the best ways to navigate the world.  Developing empathy can be a lifelong process. We can't expect 5-year-olds to master this skill, nor can we expect children to feel empathy when they are in the midst of overwhelming feelings of their own. What we can expect is an open and ongoing dialogue and to hone our own abilities to model empathy in our daily lives.

Silliness with a good friend