Empathy is one of the most important character traits to foster in our children. Children with a sense of empathy can see a situation through eyes other than their own, helping them to gain another perspective. These children are aware of their own feelings and are also able to relate to common feelings. They can imagine how others may feel in a given situation and respond in a way they imagine may be comforting to that person.
Research shows that people who are empathic tend to have better social interactions, academic performance and accomplishments later on in life than others. A strong sense of empathy can help children in so many ways - making and keeping friends, making smart decisions that are right for them without hurting others or seeking approval from peers - all crucial things when navigating the social waters of childhood, and later on during the teen years.
How do we foster this all important character trait? Is teaching our children to say sorry necessarily enough?? Often times the first thing that comes to mind when developing empathy is the ubiquitous "I'm sorry." For children, "sorry" can be a hazy concept to understand. Saying sorry doesn’t change whatever has happened and it doesn’t necessarily ease the pain.
In the classroom, instead of expecting a simple "I'm sorry," we utilize something more tangible and meaningful - it's called "Apology of Action." This is a way for the offending child to actually do something for the child who is sad, hurt, or upset. Whether it is drawing a picture, helping to fix a broken block tower, sitting next to him or her at lunch, or giving the friend a hug, children are given the opportunity to fix their mistake in a concrete way.
Actively trying to put things right can help children to feel better in a couple of ways. The first is the effect of undoing some of the harm by making things right. The second effect is by showing the child that the person who hurt him or her is sincere and genuinely wants to make things better. When it comes to apologies, children might know it’s the right thing to do, but they might also be completely lost about why. When they see someone hurt it can be difficult to understand how a little word can strip the pain and make things right. Children live in the here and now - they benefit from seeing how their immediate actions can actually help ease the pain of others. Seeing the smile on a friend's face after giving a hug or delivering a thoughtful picture allows children to feel the strength in being kind, empathic and emotionally responsible.
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| Helping a friend fix her backpack |
Another practice we adopt in the classroom is the role of "The Comforter," one of the classroom jobs. The job of the comforter is to literally help comfort children when they're feeling sad or may have gotten hurt. This is taken very seriously. If a friend is crying in the classroom, the other children rush to find the comforter. The comforter then promptly attends to the child in need, doing whatever is necessary to make the friend feel better.
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| Hugs are always welcome! |
It's also helpful to adopt a "feelings vocabulary." Identifying and labeling emotions helps children organize their emotional world. Early on, children master the basics such as happy and sad, but it is helpful to expand their understanding to feelings of disappointment, frustration, excitement, nervousness, fear and so on. Once the child understands his own feelings, he can understand other people's feelings and cross-reference them when his actions affect someone else. For instance, if the child felt sad when a toy was taken away, later they have the language to recognize that another child may feel the same way if their toy is taken away.
Being a kid is hard work – there’s so much do and on top of that they have to get savvy with some hazy concepts. Fortunately, childhood comes with plenty of opportunities for them to explore, experiment with, and discover the best ways to navigate the world. Developing empathy can be a lifelong process. We can't expect 5-year-olds to master this skill, nor can we expect children to feel empathy when they are in the midst of overwhelming feelings of their own. What we can expect is an open and ongoing dialogue and to hone our own abilities to model empathy in our daily lives.
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| Silliness with a good friend |
